Formula for Love
by TrimblingNibbles
Summary: Kagome and Inuyasha find themselves repeating the tried and true motions and admitting their love for each other. Please R&R!
1. Kagome, the Shard Hunter

As per usual, I don't own any of these characters. Please enjoy this parody responsibly, and in moderation.

Chapter 1: Kagome, the shard hunter

All was peaceful in the quiet clearing where Kagome and friends made camp. Kagome was making use of the downtime to catch up on her homework. Shippo lay curled next to her, enjoying her warmth and the occasional touch of her hand. Sango was preparing dinner, which consisted of 2 healthy hares. Miroku was helping her, which consisted of pinching her rear, saying outlandishly unromantic things, and generally being a bother. Kagome tuned their squabbling out, knowing that their petty and highly unconvincing argument would serve as a good enough excuse for them to stay behind and not interfere in the action to come.

A shadow fell across Kagome's book. She looked up, already knowing who to expect due to the dog ears she had seen on the shadow's head.

"Kagome, the local village has been complaining about a demon that's been terrorizing them. They say it's small, but it does so much damage that it's likely it has a jewel shard or two. I need you to come with me to check it out. I'm sure that even though it's small, it will turn out to be more powerful than I expect and will probably cause one of us to get injured, because I sure as hell don't plan to ask Sango or Miroku to come along and help. I'm way too macho for that." Kagome blinked at his sudden talkativeness. Inuyasha was already striding away when she put down her book and picked up her quiver and bow.

'Even though I'm not very good at shooting arrows, I'm going to bring these along so I can fire a few in an attempt to prove myself as Kikyo's reincarnation and as a powerful woman in this series,' Kagome thought to herself as she jogged to catch up with Inuyasha. Even though she was glad that he needed her to detect jewel shards, she couldn't help but feel the sting when she realized that was really all he needed of her. 'Every time I think I might have a chance with him, Kikyo shows up to lure him off in the forest, put him in a trance, and try to take him to hell with her. Then I show up, see them in a mildly compromising position, and run home to angst for several days. Despite the occasions that he actually appears to have any emotion for me, I'm not going to say anything to him regarding the state of our relationship and instead convince myself that I'm totally useless to him, save for being a jewel detector.'

Her depressing train of thought was abruptly cut off by Inuyasha's hand on her shoulder and the distinctive sound of a plot device crashing through the forest.

"I think we've found what we are looking for," murmured Inuyasha. He looked at Kagome for confirmation. Thought it hurt her to say it, she nodded and added,

"It could be one very large shard, or even multiple shards. It seems quite powerful. Are you sure that we can handle this on our own?" Inuyasha snorted.

"All I need from you is to tell me where the shards are. I think I can handle one little demon." Then he was bounding away into the forest, following the sound and scent of the demon. Kagome hurried after him, stung by his words but prepared for battle.

After a few minutes, Kagome emerged into a large clearing and came upon Inuyasha, who had already attracted the demon's attention in a manner that had evidently angered it. It looked like a giant lizard, its shoulder as tall as Inuyasha. She scrutinized it for a moment before shouting to Inuyasha, "There are two shards in the right shoulder and one in the left!" He nodded without turning to acknowledge her and attacked. After watching Inuyasha leap and strike with all the grace of an angry feline, Kagome drew an arrow and looked for a vulnerable point on the demon. She decided the eye would be a good weak point, but when she tried to narrow her focus and infuse the arrow with some of her miko energy, she found her vision blurry and her fingers clumsy. She took a deep breath and shook her head and then tried again. This time a wave of nausea washed over her, possibly due to her continued unvoiced inner struggle concerning Inuyasha. Sick and gasping, Kagome let the arrow drop and fell to her knees, fighting to keep down the bile rising in her throat. She didn't realize that, as she did this, the demon, which had turned out to be a bigger challenge than Inuyasha expected, had broken away from him and was lumbering towards her.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha screamed futilely, knowing that he would defeat the plot device only after it had injured her in some dangerous but curable way. He picked himself up out of the hole the demon had backed him into and took off towards Kagome. She, meanwhile, was oblivious until the last instant, when she looked up at the demon helplessly as it struck her, raking its claws across her back. She crumpled to the ground, bleeding and unconscious.

At seeing Kagome collapse, Inuyasha saw red and hacked off the demon's reptilian head with one blow, not needing to continue the battle now that Kagome was properly injured and he could set about caring for her, which is what the readers were eagerly awaiting. He immediately plunged his hands into the demon's shoulders, ripping out the jewel shards and stuffing them into his sleeves unceremoniously. He then ran to Kagome's still form, growling at the painful mess of her back. Hearing her shallow, uneven breaths made him nervous, if possible more nervous than he would be if she were just a friend and shard detector. Inuyasha ignored that feeling and the implications it had and instead gently scooped up Kagome, minding her injuries, and raced back to camp.


	2. Kagome, the Sickly

Rumiko Takahashi's characters not mine. Possible side effects of reading this fanfic may include dry, red, or irritated eyes, drowsiness, uncontrollable laughter which may result in stomach problems, or anal leakage. Reading this fanfic in conjunction with other fanfics may result in high blood pressure. Ask your author if this fanfic is right for you.

Chapter 2: Kagome, the sickly

Inuyasha was pacing furiously outside of Kaede's hut. When he had returned to camp with the limp and bleeding Kagome, Sango had let out a cry and immediately set about tending to the dark, congealing wounds. Shippo watched her somberly, sniffling and patting Kagome's hand while Inuyasha angrily relayed to them what had happened. The evening dissolved into night; one by one Sango, Miroku, and Shippo fell asleep. Inuyasha remained awake, sitting protectively by Kagome and watching her for any sign of discomfort. When Sango woke several hours later, she made to check the bandages on Kagome and discovered that they looked even worse than before, and the skin around them was hot with infection. To discover where this new plot twist would lead them, the group immediately broke camp and started for Kaede's hut.

When they arrived at the village where Kaede lived, it was dusk and Kagome was, as to be expected, doing worse. From her place, strapped to Inuyasha's back, she had alternated between uncontrollable shivers and fierce sweats throughout the day, which proved both uncomfortable and troubling for him. If she were to fall ill, he would inevitably have to care for her, resulting in misunderstood communications and hesitant romantic advances for the pair.

All this was churning in his mind when Kaede shuffled out of her hut and cleared her throat to get the group's attention. Shippo looked up from where he was coloring by the door, and Sango and Miroku jogged over from the fence they had been sitting on. Inuyasha glared impatiently at Kaede.

"Well, hag?" he growled in typical Inuyasha fashion. She gave him a look that indicated not only was she unperturbed by his attitude, but she would speak when she was good and ready.

After a moment, Kaede said, "I believe Kagome is poisoned. From what you described to me about the demon, it is likely that the demon was a poison lizard, meaning that his claws would be coated in a toxic substance. Inuyasha's hanyou status protects him from most poisons, but Kagome is sick now and will need a very special herb to cure her." Inuyasha frowned at this news, knowing that pretty soon something would happen to leave him alone with Kagome to allow for some awkward relationship development. He shifted nervously before the anticipated news came. "The herb that I need only grows in a remote region in the north. It will take about a week to travel there and back, and I think I can keep Kagome alive until then if someone stays with me to help care for her."

Inuyasha grimaced. This was the part where Sango and Miroku volunteered to make the trip and Inuyasha was left with Kagome. He already knew that he wouldn't leave her side once he entered Kaede's hut due to his feelings that he so far refused to acknowledge.

Miroku looked sidelong at Sango before saying, "Sango and I will go. That will ensure that Inuyasha and Kagome will be totally on their own, because naturally you'll be busy in the village, Kaede, and I'm sure Kilala will agree to carry us and expedite the trip."

Sango quickly added, "Shippo should accompany us as well, to see that Miroku doesn't get out of hand. Of course, this story is predominantly Inuyasha-and-Kagome-based, but there will probably be at least some suggestion of me and Miroku being an item, if not a brief description of how that actually comes about."

Kaede nodded. "That seems appropriate. I'm sure Inuyasha will be more than enough to help me tend to Kagome while you retrieve the herbs. Come with me now so I can draw you a map and describe what it is I need. Inuyasha, please go check on Kagome. There is a basin of water and a cloth if she becomes too warm." With that, Kaede took Sango and Miroku aside, and Inuyasha was left to the hut. He squared his shoulders and entered the darkened space, knowing that drama was about to ensue.


	3. Inuyasha, the Secretly Sensitive Caregiv

All of these beautiful characters still don't belong to me. This fic contains 40 Kagome, 40 Inuyasha, 9 Sango, 9 Miroku, and 2 assorted uninteresting supporting characters. This fic is not a significant source of nutrients. This fic contains no MSG. This fic is best read in conjunction with its preceding and following chapters. Do not refrigerate this fic.

Chapter 3: Inuyasha, the secretly sensitive caregiver

As Inuyasha ducked into the darkened hut, the first thing that hit him was the overwhelming smell of Kagome's sickness. He grimaced at the smell of Kagome's sweat, worried for her well-being. He knelt beside her sleeping bag in the corner and examined her face. Sweat beaded her forehead, so he took the washcloth from the nearby bowl and gently patted her forehead, cheeks, and neck to cool her off. At his touch, Kagome let out a tiny whimper, causing Inuyasha's face to darken and allowing him to reflect in a self-deprecating manner over the story so far.

'It's all my fault she's like this,' Inuyasha berated himself, knowing full well that the author had intended for it to be his fault so he would be prompted to show a more caring side to Kagome in this exact situation. 'I should have had Sango and Miroku come along; I should have been stronger and killed that stupid demon before it could hurt Kagome. I'm so fucking stupid!' He growled aloud when he remembered the plot device that had poisoned Kagome. She made a small sound at his growl and tossed fitfully on the sleeping bag. He flinched at her outburst and gingerly smoothed her hair in an effort to quiet her, the first of many small yet sweet gestures that would serve to entice the readers to read more and see how their relationship advanced.

"Inuyasha!" Kaede stood in the doorway, staring kindly at where Inuyasha crouched next to Kagome's now-still form. She shuffled into the hut and began to pull various utensils from a cabinet on the back wall before continuing, "Dinner is almost ready. I'll bring you a bowl when it's done, but while you wait I would appreciate if you would feed Kagome this mixture I'm making." Inuyasha watched Kaede grind together various herbs with water from a pitcher on the counter into a soupy paste. He frowned at its unappetizing appearance and pointed as much out to Kaede. She shot him a domineering glare and responded, "Inuyasha, when you have spent a lifetime learning what makes people sick and what makes them better, you can talk to me on how to improve my medicines. Now, you're going to spoon-feed this to Kagome, which will result in her returning to a semi-conscious state and having a heartfelt if brief sharing of feelings with you. Then you'll probably fall asleep curled up next to her before I can even bring you your dinner."

Inuyasha muttered under his breath, "Keh. By then it won't even matter because I'll be so involved in caring for Kagome." He took the bowl of nasty soup-paste from Kaede and made a face at her, which she ignored on her way out of the hut. He then turned to Kagome and began devising a way to hold her in a sitting position in order to feed her. After a moment he decided to sit her up and have her rest against his left leg and chest, which allowed the unhampered use of his right arm and created an extremely cute scene.

He put a little paste on the edge of the wooden spoon and managed to get it to her mouth without making a huge mess. She swallowed with some difficulty but continued to eat slowly. When the bowl was mostly empty, she sighed peacefully and cracked her eyes open.

"Inuyasha…what?" she murmured sleepily, causing his heart to jump in a completely unsettling way that suggested to him she meant a lot more than he acknowledged. She moved her hands feebly, trying unsuccessfully to push herself into a sitting position so she could look at him more directly.

"Don't," he began, putting down the spoon and putting his hands on her shoulder to pull her back to him. "The demon poisoned you. Sango and Miroku have gone for the herb to cure you, leaving us with a lot of time to discuss our relationship." Kagome nodded groggily and leaned her head on Inuyasha's shoulder.

After a moment she placed her hand over Inuyasha's where it rested on her waist. "Are you going to stay in this hut at the cost of all else to take care of me, periodically engaging in soul-baring conversation to make the readers shiver?" He nodded resolutely, his cheek brushing against her hair in a not unpleasant manner.

When Kaede returned to the hut a few minutes later with Inuyasha's supper, she found him gently holding Kagome and dozing against the wall, ears lazily twitching.


	4. A Tender Moment Montage

I don't own these characters n desu (its that I don't own these characters). The following is a public service announcement: If someone near you collapses of boredom, chances are they have been over-exposed to formulaic and over-done fanfics. Check this fic for updates and read supplemental parody fics until an update arrives. If you don't have any parodies on hand, take the time to find and bookmark some now. To find a parody fic, try this author's bio page or any of the listed favorites. This public service announcement was brought to you by TrimblingNibbles.

Chapter 4: A tender moment montage

Sometime in the night, Inuyasha returned to wakefulness. A few seconds later, he realized that he had been sleeping. Several seconds after that, he became aware of the too-warm Kagome he was still cradling against his chest. Heat radiated off her in waves, making him sweat uncomfortably. Inuyasha made to lay Kagome back on her sleeping bag so as to fetch the basin of water and the washcloth, but as he began to pull away from her she whimpered and hugged him feebly.

"I'm just going to get some cool water, Kagome," Inuyasha reassured her gently. She quieted and immediately rolled over on her sleeping bag. "What the hell…she's still asleep?" Inuyasha muttered to himself as he retrieved the water and washcloth from the counter. Back at her side, he carefully patted Kagome's face and neck and pushed her hair back to further cool her off. She responded with some quiet happy sounds and held her arms out to him.

"Oh no," thought Inuyasha to himself, "I fall for this in every fucking fic that has ever been written about me and Kagome. No fucking way. I'm perfectly happy takin' care of Kagome in a semi-caring manner and completely ignoring any feelings I might have for her. I'm not gonna let her pull me into her arms and make me sleep by her for the rest of the fuckin' night." He turned resolutely away from her to put the basin away and move to a corner to sleep when her hands closed on his shoulders and pulled him inexorably backwards.

"Shit," Inuyasha muttered. "She has fingers of steel!" He frowned at her over his shoulder until he saw her face.

"Please, Inuyasha…?" Kagome's face was feverish and pleading. He begrudgingly lay down next to her.

"Keh, fine…but there's no way this is going to get any cuter than it already is." As Inuyasha said that, Kagome rolled on her side, placing her head on his shoulder, and snuggled against his arm. "You've got to be kidding me. The readers will be overwhelmed with sweetness. Seriously, what the hell?" Inuyasha violently squashed the extremely content feeling seeping from every place Kagome's small body made contact with his own and began to count Shippos tripping over a fence to distract himself.

Kagome went in an out of consciousness for the next day, which meant some very one-sided cute things happened involving Inuyasha mothering her, so let's just skip to the day after that using this transitional sentence, which summarizes the day in a manner that suggests it is not important.

When Kagome awoke the next day she seemed much healthier, belying the feverish chills that had wracked her now-frail body for the past few days. Inuyasha decided that the readers were getting tired of him sponging off Kagome's face and snuggling with her while she slept and convinced Kaede that Kagome needed fresh air and the peaceful atmosphere of the Goshinboku. (The "convincing" consisted of Inuyasha picking up Kagome and walking out the door of Kaede's hut, calling over his shoulder, "Kagome can't be cooped up in here all the time, hag, it's not good for her. We're going out.")

At first Kagome insisted she be allowed to walk, but Inuyasha stubbornly carried her, and, knowing that she couldn't win this particular fight, Kagome was content to enjoy the calm breeze and her comfortable seat nestled in Inuyasha's arms. At length they reached the Goshinboku, which Inuyasha leaped into without hesitation, still not breaking the comfortable silence.

Once in the tree, Kagome remained on Inuyasha's lap, hoping he wouldn't shift her elsewhere. She didn't want to speak and destroy the so-far friendly mood, but her current lucidity made her worry about the poison and its effects. "So…Inuyasha…Sango and Miroku went to get something to help cure me?" She said tremulously.

"Yeah. Kaede said they should get back just in time for her to heal you before…" he trailed off and looked into her chocolate brown eyes, his own eyes swirling pools of amber. Kagome swallowed and nodded, not breaking his gaze.

After a moment, she asked softly, "Why didn't you go to get the antidote and leave the others to care for me?" Inuyasha 'keh'-ed softly and glanced away for a second before returning his stare to Kagome's sepia-colored eyes.

"No one can protect you as well as I can," he scoffed, trying to conceal the incomprehensible feelings rising in his throat. The look in her chestnut colored eyes prompted him to add, "I didn't want to leave you." Her eyelashes fluttered, briefly concealing her mocha-hazelnut-crunch-colored eyes, and she relaxed onto his chest, gingerly snuggling her head underneath his chin, and contemplated her rapid and bizarre eye-color change along with these accumulating tender moments.


	5. Kikyo, the Expected Visitor

Can you guess who these characters DON'T belong to? If you guessed me, you're right! CAUTION: EXTREMELY HUMOROUS. KEEP AWAY FROM IDIOTS. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN. DO NOT SWALLOW, INHALE, OR TAKE SERIOUSLY. WARNING: Intentional stupidity by deliberately having no sense of humor or ability to recognize parody can be harmful or fatal. Shake well before use.

Chapter 5: Kikyo, the Expected Visitor

Kagome awoke from a peaceful doze to realize that she was nestled in the roots of the Goshinboku rather than the fire rat haori-clad arms of Inuyasha she had become accustomed to. It was dusk, and mildly chilly for a night during the indeterminate season, and that meant Inuyasha was probably somewhere close by getting into some sort of trouble to jeopardize his chances with Kagome. Knowing this, Kagome merely waited for a sign of Inuyasha to appear so she could go rushing off to him and walk in on something troubling (yet ultimately explainable and perfectly understandable). Within seconds she could hear Inuyasha's rough barking conversation, and so she set off stealthily towards that sound.

Kagome didn't have to go far before she came upon Inuyasha. She was still at least a hundred yards from him, allowing for plenty of time to pass before Inuyasha would even notice her watching him from the edge of the clearing, and also preventing her from hearing what was really going on. And she wanted to hear, because facing Inuyasha was………………………

……………………

………………………………………………….Kikyo.

Kagome felt a rush of emotions alternating between rage, depression, and nausea. She squinched her eyes shut and leaned against a tree until she got a hold of herself, then circled around the clearing, staying in the trees while trying to get closer. Kikyo and Inuyasha were having an animated conversation; Inuyasha was waving his arms and making huge, sweeping gestures.

'They're probably planning the wedding,' Kagome thought bitterly to herself as she struggled to get a better view of the conversation. She wanted to take Kikyo and shake her; tell her to stop showing up in every goddamn fic and trying to take Inuyasha to hell, just accept that she's dead and she can't have Inuyasha OR Kagome's soul, just stop, stop, stop ruining their chances at happiness by creating an awkward situation that meant nothing to Inuyasha but still left them angry and hurt and even more unable to come together than before. Kagome much preferred the stories where only her and Inuyasha's personalities created romantic or sexual tension, and especially liked the ones where they had to perform some obscure Inuyoukai ritual known only to Myouga and occasionally and for comic relief, Sesshoumaru. But Kikyo…! Kagome shook her head and furiously wiped tears from her eyes, trying to clear her head of the familiar endless rant. She looked again at where Kikyo and Inuyasha stood, just in time to see Kikyo take Inuyasha's head with both hands and kiss him soundly on the mouth.

Kagome was stunned. As stunned as she had been in every episode or story where the EXACT. SAME. THING. had happened, always followed by what she did next:

Feeling lightheaded, Kagome crashed through the trees and emerged into the clearing. She swayed listlessly and looked imploringly at Inuyasha, who had pulled away from Kikyo at the sound of Kagome's ungraceful entrance. When he saw Kagome, trembling on her feet, eyes tumultuous and hair swirling, he did the same thing he had always done: gape and say nothing.

Kagome turned burning eyes on Kikyo, demanding an answer with a weakly outstretched hand. Kikyo, being the heartless lump of clay she was, did not have the shocked, deer-in-headlights look like Inuyasha, but rather returned Kagome's stare as if daring Kagome to challenge her triumph.

Kagome's head hurt. As she became aware of this, she realized her fingers and toes were tingling. Then everything was brown and, uh-oh, she felt sick! (a/n: where is she? Getting dizzy!)

Inuyasha watched Kagome crumple to the ground, feeling somewhat sick himself at what had just happened. He slapped Kikyo's hands off his face and started for Kagome. Kikyo tried to detain him, grasping at his haori, but he took her by the shoulders and violently threw her to the side, growling, "There's no point in me telling you how I don't care about you at all right now because Kagome isn't conscious to witness it, and there are no people around to tell her about it later, so us having it out will have to wait!"

Not waiting to see if Kikyo got up or walked away, Inuyasha ran to Kagome and knelt by her side. He was uncomfortably reminded of the last time he had to carry her still form to Kaede's for help, but picked up the feverish girl and took off towards the town.


	6. A Tame Intermediary Subdivision

For xmas I did not receive these characters, making them still not mine. Fanfic warning: If you read 3 or more fanfics every day, ask your author if you should read this fic or other parodies. Parodies may cause idiot-damage and result in a decreased enjoyment of crappy fics. Do not read with any genuinely crappy fic. Stop reading and ask an author if you take this seriously or are not sure if it is serious, or become annoyed at all of the overused plot-devices in this fic. If pregnant, breast-feeding, or just plain stupid, ask a literature professional before reading. Keep out of reach of children.

Chapter 6: A Tame Intermediary Subdivision

"I'm afraid, Inuyasha, that Kagome's earlier health was misleading. She's deeply asleep now, which should hopefully help to keep the poison from consuming her before Sango and Miroku return." Kaede stood slowly from where she had knelt by Kagome, who had been returned to her sleeping bag. Inuyasha was silent for a few moments, then snarled furiously and slammed a fist into the wall. The small hut shuddered, but the wall was relatively undamaged when Inuyasha began to pace. Kaede frowned reproachfully at him. "Punching the walls isn't going to help her at all, Inuyasha."

Inuyasha broke abruptly from his pacing and whirled around to face Kaede. "Like I don't know that, hag!" he growled, before beginning to pace again.

"She needs you to be strong, Inuyasha. She needs your support now," Kaede said calmly.

"Well…gods! How am I supposed to do that for 3 more days? I get that the author was running out of ideas and wanted to use this coma to transition quicker to when Sango and Miroku get back, but how am I supposed to entertain myself for that long?" Inuyasha cursed under his breath and paced furiously.

"I'm sure Sango and Miroku will be back before you know it. Of course, you could always go to them and get the herb to make this go faster." Inuyasha paused at the suggestion, then sank dejectedly to the floor beside Kagome.

His ears drooped cutely. "I can't leave her side, Kaede. Not after how horrible I've been. I owe it to her to stay."

Kaede smiled not unkindly at the boy with the soft puppy ears. "I'm sure they will be back sooner than you think."

---------

Near the edge of town, a shriek and a slap echoed off the nearby houses. This preceded the two adults and the fox-demon pup that trudged into town. Miroku rubbed his sore cheek. Sango did the same, although it was a different sort of cheek.

"Honestly, Miroku, can't you keep your mind out of the gutter long enough for us to help Kagome?"

"But, Sango, my lady, I went almost 6 hours without groping your beautiful behind! I couldn't help myself! It's just so wonderful that every so often I have to pinch it to make sure it's real…" Miroku continued to ramble tritely before Shippo, in typical fashion, recommended he save his breath. The group came over the last hill and looked gratefully upon Kaede's hut.

"It's a good thing we're back. I'm tired of traveling with this lecher without any sort of buffer to keep me sane." Sango marched resolutely towards the hut, ignoring Miroku who lagged behind, looking for a hiney opportunity. "You'd think that if this author is any good she would have thrown us a bone and written us a fluffy little scene during the 3 days Kagome was in a coma, but no. We get no love, and she jumps from Kagome passing out to Kagome waking up and getting better. So ungraceful!"

As they approached the hut, Kaede looked up from where she was cooking, smiling faintly. "I expected you would return today and have already made the preparations. Do you have the herbs I asked for?" Without hesitation, Sango handed the small bundle they had collected to her. Inuyasha burst from the hut, looking expectantly at the group.

"Well, hag? Are you going to cure her or not?" Shippo rolled his eyes and skipped into the hut to check on Kagome, followed closely by Inuyasha who warned him against pestering her. Sango and Miroku clustered together around Kaede to help and get the news.

"She's been unconscious for a few days," Kaede began, "and I think something might have happened when they went to the Goshinboku that day. I know how the poison works, and this is unusual behavior indeed." She ground up the leaves from the herb and threw them into a pot where the roots boiled in water and other various pseudo-mystical tinctures. "This should be ready in a few hours. Why don't you two go clean up while I make you something to eat?" Sango nodded gratefully and immediately set off to find a hot springs. Miroku waited a few moments before stealthily creeping after her.

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Please review! I want to know what you think and I love reading the reviews I've gotten!


	7. Kagome, the Master of Misunderstanding

If I owned these characters, I would write every fic into the show and make all your dreams come true. PRECAUTIONARY STATEMENTS: Hazards to idiots and people who don't like parodies. Warning: Causes brain irritation. Do not read at work, school, or any place where uproarious laughter is not permitted. First Aid: In case of eye contact, immediately remember that this is a parody, remove any expectations for a serious or crappy fic, and laugh heartily for at least 15 minutes. Read more chapters if laughter persists.

Chapter 7: Kagome, the master of misunderstanding

Kaede entered the hut with a steaming bowl of what looked like miso soup. Inuyasha and Shippo looked up from where they sat beside Kagome, briefly interrupting their typical squabble.

"Is that going to cure her completely?" Inuyasha asked. Kaede gave him a level stare.

"It will cure her physical ailments completely. As for her emotional ones, she will have to figure that out in another way." Inuyasha nodded, knowing Kaede was trying to suggest he do something to sort out all the predictable plot-devices that had cropped up recently to both encourage and impede the development of his and Kagome's relationship. He sat silently by Kagome a few more moments while Kaede spoon-fed her the healing potion, then climbed to his feet and headed for the door. "Where are you going, Inuyasha?" Kaede murmured, not looking up from where she fed Kagome.

"I think it might be time for me to strike out on my own. Gods know I'm not doing anyone any favors by being here. I'll continue the shardhunt on my own and Kagome will be rid of me." Then he left.

"I hate fics where everyone acts all selfless and doesn't just see the obvious and act on it," Shippo said sadly as he watched Inuyasha leave. Kaede patted his head reassuringly.

"He'll be back, either to check on Kagome, save her, or fetch her from her time. It happens in almost every fic, so it's bound to happen in this one."

---------

Sango and Miroku ate noiselessly by the fire while Kaede administered the potion to Kagome. Miroku was looking particularly battered, having been discovered peeking on Sango in the bath.

After a moment, Sango said, "It's kind of surprising that the last chapter was longer than the one before that, considering that nothing really important happened in it. This author isn't very good, is she?" She was still a little sore about the whole not-getting-any thing.

Miroku nodded in agreement, then said, "You're much better than her, Sango. You're definitely smarter, and certainly more beautiful, and now I'm going to list a bunch of corny qualities about you in a semi-genuine attempt to woo you because even though I act like a total perv most of the time I do really have a crush on you and want to treat you right if you'll only let me." He looked across the fire at her.

She, stupidly, was distracted halfway through his speech by Inuyasha storming out of Kaede's hut and had turned to watch Inuyasha stalk towards the edge of town. "I wonder what's gotten into him?" She said curiously to herself. Miroku groaned inwardly at the poor timing and the overwhelming cruelty of the author. He briefly wondered if the author would perhaps write in any OCs to either create tension between him and Sango or, ah, _relieve_ some of his tension… This train of thought was halted when Sango slapped him, citing a lecherous look in his eye. He decided the author was way too canon to do something like that.

When they finished eating, Sango and Miroku entered Kaede's hut. She had finished feeding Kagome the potion and now waited for its effects. After several minutes, Kagome took a deep breath and came too, looking somewhat surprised. She sat up and looked at all the people around her, hoping she had had some sort of Wizard of Oz experience and this was all a big joke. Judging by the faces of her friends, no such luck. "Where's Inuyasha?" she said softly, hardly wanting to know the answer.

"He left," Kaede said gently, knowing that Kagome would misunderstand this but fail to investigate further, thus creating more drama.

Kagome nodded. "I think I need to bathe."

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She and Sango trekked to the hot springs, and thanks to the indeterminate passage of time, Sango bathed again.

"Kaede said something happened to make you go unconscious, Kagome. She said it wasn't normal behavior for that poison."

Kagome dunked her head under the water, rinsing her hair as an excuse to avoid the question, if only for a few seconds. When she surfaced, she hesitated before saying, "I saw Kikyo and Inuyasha together. They…" she shut her eyes, "they looked so perfect together. I wish she didn't have to die, and they could have been happy in the past, and I never would have had to come here and meet him and start this whole stupid quest!" Kagome slapped the surface of the water ineffectually and splashed her face a few times, her tears mingling with the water running down her face in a metaphorically pleasing manner.

Sango looked sympathetically at her friend. "Kagome…you know Inuyasha cares about you. This is probably just a big misunderstanding, and even though you're going to avoid my advice in favor of making things worse, I think you should try to find Inuyasha and tell him how to feel and find out what really happened between him and Kikyo!"

"I can't do that, Sango! There's no way I could track him down, and anyway he has probably already gone running back to Kikyo! He even took the jewel shards from me! The only thing I can do is go off in a huff to my own time and angst there, hoping he will come to his senses and fetch me!" Kagome got out of the water and began to towel off. "Don't you think its weird that we always have heart-to-hearts in the bath and hug when we are wet and soapy all the time in fics where we are both totally straight?" she said conversationally.

"That is kind of strange," Sango agreed. "Are you going to go running to your own time now?" Kagome nodded as she put on her school uniform. "Well, be careful because it's too soon for Inuyasha to return (having only left this chapter) to save you, so don't get caught by any demons on the way to the well or you'll be totally on your own."

Kagome ran sobbing into the woods, headed for the well to return to her own time.

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Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews! I am really enjoying them Please don't stop! 3


	8. Inuyasha, the Stoic Dawdler

Terribly sorry about the wait! What with school starting again and all manner of fun things happening in the evening, I didn't have any opportunities to post at a particularly good time. Please enjoy this suspenseful chapter!

Maybe you haven't guessed it by now, but I don't own these characters. This fic is intended for children 14+. This fic contains small chapters that may pose a choking hazard due to excessive laughter. This fic may require adult supervision to read.

Chapter 8: Inuyasha, the stoic dawdler

Back in her own time, Kagome was (what else?) holed up in her room. She felt as though she had cried herself dry and now lay on her bed, staring at nothing in a state of semi-meditation. She still didn't know where the story would lead—would she stay here until Inuyasha came for her? Would she crack and go crawling back to him through the well? Or…would she take it upon herself to go out into the world and find some nobody to briefly replace Inuyasha, only to be caught by said hanyou and start the vicious cycle of miscommunication all over again?

For now, she rolled onto her side and stared at the wall.

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In the Feudal Era, Inuyasha wasn't doing too badly, but he wasn't doing too great either. He had tracked and killed several demons, resulting in a few shards he had painstakingly searched the bodies for. It was significantly more difficult locating the shards without Kagome, but he had spent enough time convincing himself that she was better off without him (even though he secretly knew this to be the opposite and would eventually come to his senses and go running back to her so they could talk it all out and kiss and make up as expected) and stubbornly told himself to suck it up and get better at finding shards.

Inuyasha did miss his entourage. As much as he hated their quirks, he missed Miroku's grab-assing and Sango's feisty and understandable response. He even missed Shippou's annoyingly cute squeak. Mostly, though, he missed Kagome. He missed her smile, her smell, her ramen, even her coffee-chocolate-tea-colored-mocha-brown eyes. Clouds rolled in overhead, and the air smelled like the coming rain, in an appropriate metaphorical representation of Inuyasha's mood. He groaned and touched the bottle of sacred jewel shards. 'This really belongs to her…' he thought morosely. Thunder cracked in the distance, and then rain came pouring down from the heavens. Inuyasha loped into the forest, looking for a place to weather the storm.

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Kagome was starting to get antsy. She was sure that she wouldn't cry anymore (for the moment, at least; everyone knows she cries like a baby when Inuyasha comes for her and they have a heartfelt conversation) and she was getting tired of starting at various objects in her room. Moving to a different room in the house would soon yield a similar result, and besides, it was time for the next plot device. Kagome slipped on her shoes and decided to take a walk to clear her head.

Inuyasha sat, squashed, in the little alcove he had found to shelter in while the rain poured down. It didn't seem to be lessening, indicating the enduring nature of his current mood, and he was getting uncomfortable in the tiny space. He berated himself for minding the wet and cold, reminding himself that in years past he had traveled solo with abandon. Inuyasha snarled at the perceived weakness he had developed while traveling with a team. His discomfort in the alcove increased, and he wondered when something would happen to prompt him to seek out Kagome. All of this literary stalling was starting to annoy him, as he (naturally) preferred chapters with more action in them. What would happen to get him to go to Kagome's time? It's possible that one of Inuyasha's teammates would trick him into going to the future by suggesting that Kagome might be in danger, but that wasn't nearly as sweet as him missing her terribly and going of his own accord. Then again, it might seem too OOC for him to decide to see her based solely on his emotions and not on some pretense, however conveniently fabricated.

So, what to do? With the jewel shards in his possession, Inuyasha needed nothing from Kagome except for intangible things he would never bring himself to ask for, much less expect, and if Miroku, Sango, or Shippo outright tricked him into chasing her, ostensibly to protect her, he would inevitably become too angry for any romantic resolution. Writing sure is hard!

As Inuyasha sat, cramped, in his tiny hideout, a million unexpectedly literary things churning in his mind, he became aware of a tiny shuffling in the bushes to his right. The rain dampened his sense of smell, so he crept cautiously from his alcove and circled the bush. The rustling stopped, began again, and was paused by a sneeze. Inuyasha cocked an eyebrow and thrust his hand into the bush, withdrawing Shippo, who struggled in his grasp and sneezed again, all over Inuyasha's arm.

"Shippo, what the hell are you doing here? And why are you wandering around in the rain?" Inuyasha asked, trying not to sound too personally concerned for the little guy's wellbeing, which might lead to some people thinking he was OOC. He glanced around furtively, thinking his sense of smell must be really off today. "Where are Sango and Miroku?"

"I had to come on my own. Put me down, you big ugly lug!" Shippo squirmed some more until Inuyasha released his grip, dropping Shippo into an ungraceful heap on the ground. He clambered up and sneezed again. "I came because I need to ask you something really important, otherwise the plot would go nowhere."

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Kagome ambled down the sidewalk, ticking off a list of typical things to indulge in as an unhealthy response to depression. 'Chocolate, food in general, shopping, ridiculous amounts of exercise, absolutely nothing (well, I guess I already did that one, didn't I?), getting completely wrapped up in work, partying constantly, finding an endless supply of rebound boys…' None of the options looked particularly spectacular, so she decided to go down the list. The best place to start would be the mall, since it had a good selection of things on the list available.

A shout from behind her startled Kagome, and she turned to see none other than Hojo chasing down the sidewalk. He had a big grin on his face as he stopped short next to her, slightly out of breath.

"Where are you off to, Kagome?" There was a sweetly hopeful look in Hojo's eyes.

"I'm heading to the mall to do some power-shopping and maybe eat," she replied, conveniently forgetting the reason she was going to do all that.

"Well, would you like some company?" Hojo asked tentatively.

Kagome barely hesitated before she nodded.

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Again, thank you for the reviews! Please don't stop, I especially enjoy the...particularly "interesting" ones.


	9. Inuyasha, the Sensible Pursuer

Estos personajes no me pertenecen. This fic is made from the finest and most over-used plot devices. It should reach you in excellent condition. If not, I will reupload it. Questions or Comments? Please leave a review at the bottom of the page 24/7 or email us at "yorubikitsune at hotmail dot com" Allergy information: May contain parody.

Chapter 9: Inuyasha, the sensible pursuer

"Well, Shippo, what do you want?" Inuyasha growled, glaring at the diminutive fox demon.

Shippo glanced around awkwardly and tapped his index fingers together nervously. "I…well, even though I'm pretty grown up I…It's just that I…You must know how it goes and…" Inuyasha folded his arms, waiting for Shippo to get over his false starts.

"C'mon, runt, I have shards to find," he prompted.

"Well…" Shippo inhaled deeply. "It's just that I miss Kagome a lot and I want you to go make her come back!" He shouted quickly. He really did miss Kagome, and although this was an excellent plot device that would convince Inuyasha to pursue Kagome, it was not a clever ploy developed by Sango or Miroku.

Inuyasha squatted down in front of Shippo. "This isn't something Miroku put you up to, right?" he said, not unkindly. Shippo shook his head and rubbed his eyes, fiercely trying to conceal how upset he was. Inuyasha frowned. "You're sick, aren't you," he asked after a minute. Shippo sneezed in response.

Inuyasha suddenly became aware that if Shippo's request were the plot device he had been waiting for, time might now be of the essence if he was to make it to Kagome before something to further destroy or complicate their relationship happened. He swooped up Shippo and took off for the village.

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At the mall, Kagome window-shopped with Hojo, who was dangerously pleasant and interesting. After an hour or so, they decided to head to the food court for some WacDonalds, which appears to be the only restaurant ever mentioned in the anime and, therefore, in corresponding fics. They sat across from each other at a table for two and enjoyed the comedic puns on the names of original McDonalds food. Hojo was sweet, Hojo was charming, Hojo was nice, Hojo was many things Inuyasha was not, and he was doing a very good job of distracting Kagome from her heartbreak. She offered to share her soda with him, symbolizing her willingness to share other things with him, like feelings.

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Inuyasha deposited Shippo close enough to Kaede's hut to be sure Shippo would make it home before bolting off to the well. At the well, Inuyasha hesitated. The rain had lessened, but there was still a lot of thunder and lightning. He was so nervous! What would he say to Kagome? What if he got there and she was in some compromising situation with another guy and Inuyasha had to either fight that guy or misinterpret everything, leave without an explanation, and resolve to never bother Kagome again? At this he paused. Kagome had walked in on many compromising situations involving Inuyasha and Kikyo, but she had never let him explain them to her and they had never been resolved. If they just talked it over…

"Could it really be that simple?" Inuyasha said aloud wonderingly. "Could open and honest communication be an integral part of a healthy relationship?" He blinked at his sudden verbosity, then leaped into the well.

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In the future, Inuyasha barreled towards the house. He burst in through the backdoor and looked expectantly around.

"Kagome?" he called, not without some excitement. Kagome's mother poked her head around the hallway.

"Oh, Inuyasha!" she said happily. "Are you and Kagome here for a little while?"

Inuyasha looked confused. "Kagome has already been home for a little while. I'm coming to get her," he explained.

Mrs. Higurashi frowned in thought. "I just got home a few minutes ago from food shopping, and Kagome was already gone when I got here."

Inuyasha started. "Shit! That means she's probably out with some rebound guy to create more confusion in our already messed-up relationship! I gotta go!" He made for the door, but Mrs. Higurashi held out a hand to stop him.

"Wait, Inuyasha. Before you go confront my daughter I have to give you a heartfelt but ultimately OOC and uncomfortably intimate talk where I admit to knowing about you and Kagome's crush long before the both of you acknowledged it and acting as a surrogate mother-figure that you have so long desired. Then I'll give you some awkward advice on wooing my daughter (in some fics up to and including sexually) and give you my blessing or a family heirloom to do so." She paused. "Okay?"

Inuyasha nodded slowly and allowed Mrs. Higurashi to pull him into a heartbreakingly sweet hug. He swallowed violently to clear the lump in his throat and timidly returned the hug, enjoying her ridiculously overused motherliness. After a moment she pulled away and smiled at him. He smiled back and made for the door, putting on his baseball cap and sandals, off to stop Kagome from doing some innocent flirting with rebound-boy.


	10. The Romantic Resolutions

Kono kyarakutaa wa watashi no ja nai desu. CAUTION/AVISO/PRECAUCION: Please read the story summary before reading the fic as it may explain the nature of the fic.

Chapter 10: The Romantic Resolution

Inuyasha followed Kagome's scent, faint as it was, all the way to the mall. He managed to make it there without being hit by a car (thought not for lack of trying) and then used all of his willpower to sort through the insane array of smells for her distinctive scent (which, interestingly enough, smelled like things a human is not like peaches, lilacs, or any other sort of lotion-y smell). After following a winding trail that just seemed to go in front of all the stores, he made it to the food court. He spotted her instantly, sitting with Hojo in front of WacDonalds. As he looked at them, he saw Hojo lean across the table and gently touch Kagome's hand. Inuyasha's hackles went up, but he managed to control himself and remember how Kagome had seen similar situations between him and Kikyo countless times. He resolved to think before speaking, and speak before fighting or running.

Kagome and Hojo were deep in a flirtatious conversation when Kagome noticed the bright red out of the corner of her eye. Turning slowly, she watched Inuyasha bear down on her. Shocked, but secretly elated, she looked up in nervous expectance.

"Hi, Kagome," he began calmly. "Hello, Hojo," he added after a moment. Kagome stood quickly.

"Could you excuse us for just one moment, please?" She said sweetly to Hojo before pulling Inuyasha into a secret meeting. "What are you doing here?" she hissed incredulously.

"Kagome, you know that it's pretty common to have a scene where I walk around uncomfortably in clothes from your time and draw attention to myself, and it usually turns out to be hilarious. Plus, I have to talk to you." Inuyasha looked beseechingly into Kagome's smooth chocolate-with-peanuts eyes.

"I don't have time for you to do socially awkward things that are humorous to any modern reader! Right now I'm hanging out with Hojo in a pathetic attempt to forget about you!"

"I know that's exactly what you're doing," Inuyasha responded seriously. "That's why I came to talk to you! I want to explain to you what happened with Kikyo—" he looked quickly at Kagome and added, "and don't sit me before I say everything I have to. I want to make things right with you!"

Kagome was silent for a moment, looking deep into Inuyasha's eyes. Then she turned to Hojo and said, "Listen, Hojo, I'm sorry this happens to you in almost every fic, but you're really just a semi-threatening placeholder for Inuyasha while we both figure out what our relationship means. I know it's really the short end of the stick, but I don't actually have any feelings for you; I'm mostly spending time with you to ignore my feelings for Inuyasha, at least until he shows up and makes everything better."

Hojo sighed dejectedly. "I guess I knew that already, since it happens so often. Still…I would have liked to once think that I was the costar in a fic opposite you…There's only like 30 fics featuring us on so I was hoping to add one more. But…oh well. See you around, Kagome." Hojo gathered up his trash and left.

Kagome turned back to Inuyasha. "There had better be a great explanation for all of this, Inuyasha," she said threateningly.

"There is, and I promise you you'll hear it all. But first I think we should go to somewhere quieter," he suggested. Kagome frowned at him before nodding. They exited the mall together, but Kagome refused a ride home from Inuyasha.

"You can tell me what's going on while we walk." Kagome felt secretly pleased with herself that she wasn't acting like a total doormat, which was typical for girls in "unrequited" romance fics.

"Listen…Kagome…" Inuyasha started, suddenly nervous but determined to do this right. "That night, when you saw Kikyo and me…" he saw her snarl and hurried on, "she was asking me to go to hell with her. But Kagome, I told her I wouldn't go. I feel responsible for what happened to her, and if I can help her in some other way I'll do it. But I don't care about her anymore and I don't want to be with her. I…I care about you." He took a breath after this. Embarrassment at his declaration prompted him to add, "And Shippo misses you a lot too and wants you to come back."

Kagome was silent for a few moments. Then she looked at Inuyasha and said softly, "Could you say what you just said again?"

He swallowed. "Shippo misses you?" he volunteered timidly. She merely stared at him. "…I care about you?" he whispered. Inuyasha shut his eyes briefly, terrified that she wouldn't say anything, or worse, accuse him of being OOC.

Kagome looked thoughtfully at Inuyasha for what seemed like forever before she responded, "Inuyasha, you idiot, I care about you too." Inuyasha's eyes lit up with grateful happiness and relief. He wanted to do something, like hug her, or kiss her, but he just didn't know how to go about it. Kagome moved closer and gently took Inuyasha's hands in her own. "This is the part where we do something romantic, Inuyasha," she explained. "This is what the readers have been waiting for throughout all of our needless angsting."

Inuyasha nodded, swallowed, and put his arms around Kagome's waist. Like every perfect couple in every perfect story, their perfect bodies seemed perfectly perfect for each other. Kagome smiled sweetly up at Inuyasha before lightly pressing her lips to his. It seemed as if Inuyasha were simultaneously floating, tingling, flying, having an out of body experience, and having various organs flip-flop. Kagome tasted like a number of sweet things such as fruit and other flavors of not-human-taste. When she pulled away, Inuyasha hugged her tightly, wanting to communicate the depth of his feeling.

After several minutes of quiet and content hugging, Kagome murmured, "Why is it always fevers?"

Inuyasha thought before saying, "Well, its not always fever, but its commonly sickness or injury. It just has to be fatal-yet-curable, and it has to keep either you or I immobile for long enough for something to develop between us."

"It's pretty overdone," mused Kagome. "But I'm okay with it." She smiled at Inuyasha.

He smiled back and said, "I'm okay with it too."

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Now that you've finished the fic, please tell me what you thought of this take on parody! Leaving a review only takes a few seconds but keeps me happy for hours! This was fun, so expect something equally engaging soon!


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